What I accomplished – or rather, didn’t accomplish – in 2012 sits like a cartoon demon on my shoulder, talking in my ear.
I am tempted not to set goals. I simply don’t have the heart to disappoint myself.
I struggle to blog, because I am clearly not following the well-circulated formulas for “blog success.” Formulas only weary me with their impersonal nature.
My dreams – the big ones – that I’ve always kept steady in my sights now seem as elusive as if I had never even dreamed them. I’ve begged my Maker to give me new dreams if my old ones are somehow not in the plan for me. Silence.
If my friend were in this funk, I would tell her to consider all the good that 2012 held. So I pretend to be my own friend and reflect…
I learned some new skills, raised a respectable garden, experienced another year of happy marriage (that’s pretty rare in his world, I admit). I developed new friendships and deepened others. Those relationships do not replace those I did not keep up very well, and I am convicted about the value of relationships in stark contrast to the time I have committed to them.
I parented with every possible ounce of energy and purpose and saw significant signs of spiritual growth in my kids, mingled with difficult conversations and brutal honesty. My own spiritual growth happened as the result of literally falling to my knees and drawing on Almighty strength when I was out of ideas… answers… fixes. That alone could be considered “success” if I actually saw it from Heaven’s viewpoint.
I finally realized I don’t have my stuff together without constant – and I mean CONSTANT – input from my Wonderful Counselor. That’s something.
I lost myself at a few points. But I’m kicking my way back. I realize that sometimes we just have to keep plugging. Some days… weeks… years require us to just keep doing what we do without any fanfare — to keep falling on our knees and begging for wisdom.
As I think about 2013 with that perspective, I see that I simply must keep showing up, keep learning from both successes and failures, and keep finding signs of life as I look introspectively at the person I want to be (while remembering how far I’ve come).
Maybe growth is not really measurable in the ways I like to measure it. Maybe that is why 2012 seemed hard to get my arms around. But this one thing I carry into 2013… I am in Mighty Arms. Safe, loved and growing ever-so-gradually. This year is truly in His Hands. And out of mine. That is all I know. Yet, in truth, that is all I need to know.
Guess it’s time to take the tree down now.